


You Never See a Crash Until It's Head On

by daysofinspiration



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, BDSM, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Past Sexual Assault, Restraints, Sub Drop, Top Drop, Unsafe BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 01:51:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12048837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysofinspiration/pseuds/daysofinspiration
Summary: Lucy isn't feeling this tonight; her skin is crawling and her mind is lost in memories. But Alex needs this. Alex is close to breaking and needs to give up control, and Maggie's gone until the end of the week. So Lucy fights through her own discomfort. She lies and says, "green."





	You Never See a Crash Until It's Head On

**Author's Note:**

> So, as you can tell from the summary, this involves failing to safeword when you should. 
> 
> Title from Live Like We're Dying from The Script.

She gets home from Washington and she only has a few scant hours with both her girls before Maggie is leaving. Maggie, who rebooked to a later flight so that she would at least be able to see Lucy before she had to take off for training in Metropolis.

It's the middle of the day but Alex manages to slip away from the DEO for a short while. She sits cross-legged on the bed with Lucy – who is exhausted and weary and laying with her head in Alex's lap while Alex's fingers gently card through her hair. They watch Maggie pack the last of her things.

Or, Alex watches. Lucy's eyes are closed.

When it's time to go – for Alex to drive Maggie to the airport and then go back to work – Alex lifts Lucy's head, shifts out from under her and slips a pillow into her place. She gently lets Lucy rest her head back down, and Lucy curls around the pillow, clutching it to her chest and squeezing it between her knees.

Alex kisses her cheek, promising to be home soon.

Maggie crawls onto the bed, and Lucy shifts her hold from the pillow to Maggie's body hovering over her, hugging her hard and burying her face up into Maggie's neck while Maggie tips her head down and kisses her hair.

"I'll be back before you know it, Luce."

"I'm sorry," Lucy says because she feels drained and beaten down from her week in DC. Because she wishes she had the energy to stand on her feet, to hug Maggie goodbye properly.

Maggie chuckles and kisses her lips. "You don't need to apologize, baby. We know it takes a lot out of you."

"I hate them," she says, and Maggie knows Lucy means all the racist, homophobic, sexist, ableist, bigoted, rich, old, white men she has to deal with every time she goes to the nation's capital. The men who think they know better, but don't, because they haven't seen the world Lucy's seen, haven't fought for the world Lucy has. But even if they don't know better, they are in charge, so Lucy can only fight back so much, has to reign herself in so hard she shakes.

"I know, babe. I'll call you both when I land, okay? I love you."

Lucy nods, squeezing Maggie's hand and murmuring her love to both of them, and then collapses back into the middle of the bed.

She's asleep before the apartment door closes.

Lucy wakes hours later. She's curled into Alex's side. Alex has her glasses on and her laptop open, and as Lucy squints at the bright light she can see blurry images of biological structures and large blocks of fuzzy text.

Alex shifts the laptop off to one side and dims the screen. "Hey, sleepy."

Lucy grunts.

"Dinner's here for you," she nods to the bedside table. "Just a sandwich, if you feel up to it." She knows Lucy can't stomach much when she first gets home.

Alex and Maggie both know Lucy hardly eats while she's in DC, her stomach refusing food because it's tied in knots with all the tension and stress she carries. When she comes home, they have to coax her back into eating properly again.

"Water?" Lucy asks, sitting up.

"Right here." Alex leans away and then returns with a glass of water.

"Did I miss Maggie?"

Alex smiles softly. "She called a little while ago, said her flight went okay. Said for us to call her back when you woke up."

Lucy nods and accepts the plate of food Alex hands her. She takes small nibbles of the sandwich as Alex watches her.

"So I take it Washington did not go well?"

"Does it ever?" Lucy sighs. "No, it was… it was bad this time."

Alex asks, "Do you want to talk about it?" but it sounds more like _I think we should talk about it._

Lucy shakes her head violently. Shakes so hard her whole body quakes for a moment. "Not, not right now. Maybe when I can hear you and Mags at the same time."

She doesn't want to think about DC, about what happened. She doesn't want the memories to flood her mind. Not while she's in bed, in her safe space.

Her skin crawls. Remembering.

Alex frowns sadly and Lucy can see the worry in her eyes.

"I need a shower," Lucy says abruptly before Alex can say more. She climbs out from under the covers and stands on weak legs. Lucy balls her fists so Alex can't see them shake.

But Alex knows her. "Luce, are you okay?"

Lucy forces a smile, and her face stings with the lie it creates. But she says honestly, "No, but I will be."

She feels Alex's eyes on her back as she shuffles towards the shower.

When she comes out of the steaming bathroom forty minutes later, scrubbed raw and pink and feeling not much better than she was before, Alex is no longer in her pyjamas.

She's in her DEO gear, strapping on her tactical belt.

"What happened?"

"Alien attack, they've taken some of our agents hostage."

She's drained and spent and ready to drop where she stands, but Lucy is still a soldier, so she asks weakly, "Do they need me to-"

Alex hushes her. "You sleep, it'll be fine."

"Alex."

Alex cups her cheek tenderly, but her words are firm. "It will be fine, Lucy. J'onn's already got Winn working on getting us a location."

"I can–"

"You can sleep, Lucy. Sleep, and you can tell me what happened in Washington in the morning, okay? We've got this."

Lucy feels the bile rise in her throat, feels the anger quick under her skin. Remembering.

"Yeah, okay," she concedes because she doesn't have the energy to argue.

Alex leaves, and Lucy, half asleep where she stands, gropes for her phone. She's slept the better part of the day away but her body still hasn't flushed the poison, the tension, from her system.

She texts Maggie with eyes half closed as she falls back onto the bed.

_Sryry I missed you axel lft for work again. Alieins. Ging back back to sheep love you_

Maggie's response is immediate.

_Love you too, babe. Sleep well. I'll call you tomorrow._

* * *

They do not end up talking about what happened in Washington in the morning.

Lucy gets called into the DEO. Alex hasn't come home yet.

She checks her phone. She has a brief message from Alex apologizing for not coming home but explaining that things are going worse than they anticipated.

She sees the text from Maggie last night, sees her own horrendously spelt message, and fires off a quick text to Maggie.

_How can you love someone who can't even spell her girlfriend's name correctly? Tired or not, that was terrible. Can't believe you let that slide, Sawyer._

Maggie sends her a kissing face.

Dragging a brush through her hair and getting ready for work, Lucy contemplates breakfast. She doesn't feel hungry; if anything, she feels nauseous.

There's a note laying on top of her keys that says _eat something, babe_ in Alex's messy print.

She chokes down a piece of toast and leaves the apartment.

Lucy's body feels better for the most part. But her mind does not; her mind, her memories, still feel like they are shaking inside her skull. But her body is well enough that she can make it into the heart of the city base without anyone knowing she feels like she's shaking off a nightmare.

She puts on her game face, her director's voice, and steps into the fray.

It's almost seventy-two hours before Lucy leaves the DEO.

She sees Alex briefly here and there; coming in from the field, in her lab, in the command centre, going back into the field again.

She sees Alex briefly here and there; Alex bloody, Alex calculating, Alex raging, Alex impulsive and reckless.

Whenever they can they take a few quick minutes to call Maggie, to video chat with her so that they can see her adoring smile and her shining eyes.

Alex goes home twice; to shower, to change, to catch a restless nap. Lucy doesn't bother; she stays in the command centre as long as she can, planning and making decisions and giving orders. Watching more than one agent come back seriously injured.

When it feels like she's going to collapse she goes and lays down in the bunks but she hardly sleeps. And then she gets back up again.

They have to remind each other to eat because eating is the last thing either of them wants to do when so many lives are at risk.

At one point, Kara flies in with a bag of fast food and pushes it into Lucy's arms and then takes off again. Lucy shares it with Winn and they both eat at his desk, him sitting and her watching over his shoulder as his fingers fly across the keyboard bringing up schematics and building plans.

It gets really bad for a little while.

But everyone makes it out alive.

Lucy all but collapses onto the couch when she finally arrives home three days later. She takes a few minutes to simply sit, to rest, to blink up at the ceiling.

Kara is out of the sun lamps, J'onn is recovering in the med-bay, and Alex is angry, angry, angry, but will be on her way home soon.

Alex.

Lucy gets up off the couch.

Lucy showers, changes into a pair of NCPD sweats and an oversized shirt she isn't sure belonged to who originally, and turns the radio on as she starts making food. Lunch, dinner, she isn't sure. It's somewhere in between, in the afternoon, but she's starving, and she knows Alex will be too when she arrives home, storm cloud of anger and all.

She starts cutting strips of pork and dicing vegetables for a stir-fry but when she notices the tortilla shells she changes course and starts grating a mountain of cheese for tacos instead, because those are Alex's favourite – Alex's favourite is ordering pizza, but she makes Alex's favourite cooked meal because she knows her girlfriend is not going to be in a good place when she gets home and needs something healthier than greasy dough after three days of hell and unhealthy food. So she wants to give Alex any small comforts she can.

She makes sure the lights in the apartment are dimmed or turned off. She makes sure Alex's favourite comfort clothes are sitting on the corner of the bed: Maggie's reindeer boyshorts and Lucy's long sleeved Harvard shirt.

Lucy also leaves out the old, faded, men's sized Midvale Bowling Club '82 shirt. Because sometimes this is a comfort shirt for Alex, but sometimes it's not.

She turns down the bed, sprays some lavender on the pillows, and makes sure Alex's glasses and the medical journal she's currently reading are within reaching distance on the bedside table.

Lucy has her head in the freezer assuring herself that they do have plenty of ice cream - dairy and vegan - in case Kara comes by too when Alex gets home.

Alex's eyes look haunted. Her lips are a grim line and she's pale. Lucy can see from the way she holds herself, the way her hands are clenched, that she has ghosts of blood still on her hands.

Alex drops her things; her phone lands on the table but her keys miss completely and clatter to the floor, the metallic noise sharp in the quiet apartment. She doesn't bother to pick them up. She toes off her boots, which have blood on them, and then she swoops forward, tugging Lucy into her arms and pressing her mouth to Lucy's.

Lucy holds Alex while she shakes, shakes out her rage at herself, even though no one else blames Alex for what happened.

"You're okay, babe," Lucy says gently, shifting so she can lean against the countertop and support Alex in her arms.

"Kara almost–"

"Kara's fine. Everyone's alive. None of ours died today, Alex. That's because of you."

"J'onn's pissed at me."

"Yeah, well, you did ignore his orders. And mine," she adds. "But you got our agents out safe. That's what matters. Do you want to shower, change, or eat first?"

Alex's stomach growls so Lucy takes that as her answer. "Here, sit, I've got food ready."

Lucy starts dishing out the stir-fry into the taco shells, spooning it onto both plates and then plucking the onions off her own – Alex says it tastes better with onions so Lucy makes it that way, even though she doesn't like them.

Alex stands at the sink, washing her hands.

Scrubbing at them.

Long minutes of scrubbing.

Alex's hands have already been cleaned, her skin is already dry and cracked, but she washes them again. Trying to get the blood off her hands.

There was a lot of blood, but none of their people died.

When Lucy thinks Alex has cleaned away enough of the blood that only Alex can see, she reaches over and turns off the water. She wraps her arms around Alex's middle, hugging her from behind while Alex dries her hands.

When she's finished Alex tugs her jacket off, lets it fall in the middle of the kitchen, and drops down into a chair tiredly.

"Maggie?" Alex asks once she's taken a few bites.

"She's in training right now. I let her know you and Kara and everybody came out safe. She's proud of you. I'm proud of you."

Alex nods but there's still tension and doubt swirling around her.

When they finish eating, Lucy stands and starts clearing the table. Alex shifts her chair back but doesn't get up. Instead, she grabs Lucy's wrist as she passes, tugging Lucy into her lap.

Lucy awkwardly puts the plates back down on the table and turns, looking into Alex's eyes. She sees pain and fear and self-doubt there. She knows Alex has been regretting her decisions the second Kara blew her powers.

Lucy knows Alex is thinking of the moment she killed one of the aliens barehanded; crushing its windpipe under her fingers. It doesn't matter that it was trying to kill her, that it almost killed some of their people; the sound of crushing bone and tearing sinew is not something easily forgotten.

She's watching Alex's face, Alex's eyes, so she sees the moment it happens. When Alex loses focus, stops seeing Lucy and starts replaying the visions of the days past. Alex is looking past her, through her, her focus far away and stormy. Her brow is creased and her lips are pulled into a tense frown.

Tucking some of Alex's hair behind her ear, Lucy says gently, "Alex?"

It takes three tries before Alex comes back to her. Her hands are gripping Lucy's sides hard enough to bruise.

"Alex, do you know where you are?"

Alex breathes out and slowly releases her tight grip. Blinking, focusing on Lucy again, she says, "Safe."

Lucy's heart flutters in her chest. "Yes, honey, you're safe."

She kisses Alex. They stay like that for long minutes, pressing into each other's touch, seeking and offering comfort.

When Alex pulls back, Lucy asks softly, "What do you need?"

"Sleep first. Shower later."

Lucy slides off Alex's lap and glances at the table, at the mess on the counter. "Sleep now," she agrees. "I'll worry about the dishes later. Let's get you to bed."

Alex's body is still tight with tension as she changes into the clothes Lucy left out for her – the Midvale Bowling shirt is ignored. Alex sees it, and shares a grateful look with Lucy, but shakes her head. Not today.

It's late afternoon, but they are both so tired that time doesn't really hold meaning for them. They slip into bed, curling into each other's arms and letting exhaustion take over.

Lucy's eyes blink open when she feels Alex get out of bed a few hours later. She glances at the clock, and it takes a long minute before the blurry red numbers focus. And then a few seconds more for her brain to extract meaning, to understand that it's nighttime now.

She doesn't remember closing her eyes, but Lucy wakes properly a minute or two later when she hears the water running.

Deciding that now is as good a time as any to deal with the dishes they neglected, Lucy gets out of bed. She loads the dishwasher and washes the pans in the sink.

Alex, towel-dried hair and back in her comfort clothes, pads out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. She comes up behind Lucy and tugs on her hips, turning her away from the last of the soap and bubbles.

Pinning Lucy's hips between the counter and her own Alex kisses her and it's softer than what Lucy is expecting, but at the same time, it's exactly what Lucy is expecting.

Sometimes after rough missions, after missions that go bad, Alex comes into the bedroom with fire and anger and pushes back against Lucy and Maggie with every touch, with every kiss. Demanding. Controlling.

And sometimes she comes in with anger, but there is no fire, only a desperate need to feel, to not have to worry about things like choices and decisions, to let Lucy and Maggie have control.

Lucy tugs Alex's lip between her teeth and Alex moans into her mouth. Her hands clench, pulling at Lucy's shirt, pulling her closer, but Lucy can feel the difference; Lucy knows the difference between Alex yanking and Alex urging.

Tonight, Alex is urging.

She pulls away, kissing along Alex's jaw, down the column of her neck. Her teeth graze the skin above Alex's pulse and Alex shudders and groans. Lucy moves easily, switching them so that Alex is the one pressed with her back against the counter. Alex surrenders under her, pliant as Lucy roughly grinds her hips against Alex's.

"Something you want, Danvers?" Lucy asks, mouthing at the place where Alex's neck meets her shoulder. Her hands slip under Alex's shirt, fingers splaying out against warm skin.

Alex nods, tipping her head back to give Lucy more room.

"Answer me," Lucy says, an edge of command in her voice, testing to see that this is what Alex wants.

"Yes," Alex gasps out right away, melting in her arms. "I need you to… I just need to feel you."

"You're so good, Alex, telling me what you need," Lucy says, words hot and heavy against Alex's ear as she tugs the lobe between her teeth and swirls her tongue. Alex moans at her words. Alex quakes with her words.

She keeps her hands pressed flush against the skin of Alex's stomach, but she pulls back. Alex's pupils are blown wide and her lips are parted as she watches Lucy watch her.

Tugging at Alex's clothes, Lucy says in a low, firm voice, "Go and wait in the bedroom. And take these off."

After the last few days, Lucy isn't surprised that this is what Alex needs right now. After hours of making tough decisions, of always having to be in control, where she's starting to doubt and second guess every moment of the last three days, Lucy understands.

Alex needs to be loved, to be wanted and desired. She needs to simply feel, to not have to be the one making the choices, to not have to be perfect. When Alex is at the DEO she always needs to be in control because lives are at stake. So sometimes at home, she needs to give up that control. To only focus on Maggie and Lucy, to trust them to keep her safe.

Watching Alex go, Lucy stays in the kitchen. She finishes with the dishes and then gets out two bottles of gatorade, giving her hands something to do while she takes a moment to find the headspace she needs for tonight, to take control and allow Alex to not have to think about what happened today, to just feel.

It doesn't come as easily as it normally does. Something nags at Lucy, distracts her, but she pushes it down. Tonight is about Alex, about making her feel good, feel loved.

When Lucy enters the bedroom she sees Alex, naked and sitting on the bed, and she is a vision. Her dark, red hair is contrasting with her creamy skin. Her body is strong and muscled but still soft. Her eyes are hard, but when she sees Lucy, they crinkle happily and then grow hungry. She looks beautiful.

Lucy sets the bottles down on the bedside table and then moves slowly around the room, making sure the blinds are drawn and the lights are dimmed just right. She feels Alex's eyes on her the entire time.

Once she's satisfied Lucy crawls up the bed towards Alex, stalks up to her, and Alex's breath hitches. Lucy hovers, right and close but not touching.

"Colour?" Her voice is low and husky as she checks in.

"Green."

"Excellent. Lay back."

Alex does as she's told and Lucy claims her mouth again as her body follows Alex's down.

The kiss is hot and messy and Lucy's hands slip into Alex's mostly-dry hair, fingers massaging through the damp strands, urging Alex's mouth closer.

Alex's hands find Lucy's hips, find the hem of her shirt, and Lucy warns, "Hands off."

"Fuck," Alex groans. But she presses her hands into the bedspread instead, taking hold of the sheets.

"No touching, babygirl," Lucy reminds. "Just let me focus on you. Colour?"

Nodding breathlessly Alex sighs out, "Green." But her sigh turns into a desperate whine as Lucy mouths her way down Alex's chest, tongue and hands moving over her breasts. Lucy smiles as Alex's body rocks up into her, trying to press Lucy's mouth closer.

Working her way down, Lucy kisses every part of Alex's skin she can reach. Her hands are firm as she kneads Alex's nipples, mouth hot and trailing over her body. Alex shudders underneath her as Lucy reaches more sensitive spots, but Alex works hard to keep her hands still.

Lucy kisses the scars. She kisses the bruises, kisses the scrapes, kisses the ghosts of things she can't see but knows Alex carries with her.

"You are so perfect, Alex. Fuck, you're so gorgeous."

She nips at Alex's hip and Alex bucks underneath her. She's panting, her chest heaving as she tries to keep still. Lucy can see the muscles in her arms straining with effort to do as Lucy's asked.

Lucy sits back on her heels and runs her hands up and down Alex's shins. Up her thighs. Alex has her head thrown back, hair splayed around her on the pillow, but she looks down when Lucy slows.

Holding Alex's eyes with her own, Lucy lowers her mouth back down, slowly tonguing her way up Alex's thigh.

Alex groans and tries to arch closer.

Right as Lucy breathes over Alex's folds, drawing in her scent, nose just brushing her clit, Lucy sits up.

"Lucy," Alex whines, dragging her name out.

Lucy smirks, loving seeing Alex so wet and desperate for her.

"Don't worry, Al. I'm just getting started. You just feel, let me take care of you tonight."

Alex nods, eyes wide and pupils dilated as she watches Lucy get up from the bed and move across the room. When she returns she carries the leather handcuffs. She lets Alex see them, lets Alex know what is coming tonight.

"Colour?"

"Green."

Something doesn't sit right with Lucy; not with Alex's response, but with Lucy herself. She feels unsure, that maybe tonight isn't the right night for this, that maybe this will be too much for Alex after the last few days they've had. So she asks her again, "You sure?"

"Yes. I trust you, Lucy."

Sitting at the edge of the bed, Lucy debates having Alex on her back or on her knees. But Alex takes the question from her, saying nervously, "I, I need to see you. Please?"

"Of course."

Lucy is relieved.

She's not sure why she's relieved.

"Hands up," she instructs and Alex raises her hands above her head, gripping the headboard. She breathes out steadily, watching Lucy restrain her.

As Lucy closes the cuffs around Alex's wrists, after feeding them through the headboard, the sounds of the buckles catching echo inside Lucy's head in a way they normally don't.

She blinks it off, and once the cuffs are secure Lucy checks in again. "Colour?"

"Green. Very green."

When she's satisfied that Alex is restrained, that she can't move, Lucy stands and strips off her clothes. Alex watches her, gaze hungry, so Lucy goes slow. Teasing Alex. Enjoying the little tugs on the cuffs Alex gives as Lucy reveals skin. She knows Alex wants to touch her. But not tonight.

She sits on the side of the bed next to Alex with one leg curled under her. One of Lucy's hands eases forward, lightly tracing over Alex's ribs, along her stomach, over the plains of her abs. She keeps touching Alex, eyes hot and heavy and full of desire and Alex's breath starts to hitch, her stomach starts to jump and twitch, needing more.

Alex tries to shift, wanting Lucy's hands on her breasts, or lower, between her legs. But she's helpless, trapped by the cuffs and by Lucy's steady gaze.

Lucy keeps teasing, letting her fingers brush closer but never where Alex needs. She waits; Alex knows the rules.

Sure enough, when her body begins to writhe and Lucy's light, tantalizing touch becomes too much for her, Alex gasps out, "Please, Lucy. Please, I need your mouth on me."

Lucy's hand slides over Alex's breast, tugging at her nipple, rewarding her. "You're so good, Alex. So good for me. Telling me what you need."

And Alex groans and Alex whines and Alex keens with Lucy's praise.

"So good," Lucy echoes, moving to hover over her. As both hands begin to knead Alex's breasts she kisses, hot and wet and open-mouthed, down Alex's neck, across her chest. She sucks a nipple into her mouth, flicks with tongue and teeth, and Alex's hips start to grind against Lucy's.

"Keep still," Lucy says, gripping Alex's hips firmly. "Be good for me, Alex."

Alex lets out a lilting whine. "Yes."

Lucy's tongue and fingers trail down, down Alex's body. Alex pulls hard at the cuffs, body twitching but rocking her hips down, pressing further into the bed, trying to do as Lucy asks.

"You want my mouth on you, babygirl?"

"Yes."

"Tell me. Use your words." Her voice is a low command.

Alex's voice is shaky with need. "I-I want your mouth on me, Luce. On, on my clit. Please."

"Fuck," Lucy groans, feeling her own arousal rise. She gives a long, slow glide of her tongue against Alex's clit and Alex's hips cant forward. Lucy's hands slide down, pulling at Alex's hips, at her ass, drawing Alex close and anchoring her, helping her to keep still. Lucy sinks deeper, dragging her tongue through Alex's wetness – and Alex is so wet already, she is drenched – and moans at the taste of her.

"Let go, baby. Let me hear you," she says right into Alex's clit, and she can feel Alex thrash with the vibrations.

Alex moans before Lucy is even finished speaking. Her breathy gasps and sighs ring out into the room and Lucy focuses on those, focuses on Alex, instead of her own rapidly beating heart.

Her heart is hammering. But not from desire.

She isn't sure why it's hammering.

She fucks Alex with her tongue, dragging over and circling her clit and pressing deep between her dripping folds. Alex writhes and shakes, trying desperately not to rock into Lucy's mouth.

"Fuck, you taste so good, Alex."

"Don't stop," Alex groans out. "Please, please, Luce."

Lucy's tongue draws tight circles on Alex's clit, drawing her up and up and up. She can tell Alex is close from the way she gasps and shakes under her.

"You're so good for me, Al. Be a good girl and come for me."

Alex lets out a delicious keening sound and her body arches off the bed, quaking under Lucy's tongue until she stiffens. Lucy keeps going, guiding her through it, until Alex collapses back onto the bed, utterly spent and completely undone.

Lucy eases back, licking at her folds and along her inner thighs, nuzzling and stroking gently as Alex comes back down.

Lucy sits up. "You're so good, Alex, so perfect and mine."

But when she sees Alex - chest heaving, eyes wide and blissfully unfocused as she looks up at the ceiling, restrained and spread out, vulnerable beneath her - Lucy feels discomfort settle inside her. She bites her lip, feeling the uneasy sensation begin to lick up her back. She feels heavy and unsure, hovering above Alex like this.

Alex tips her head down to look at Lucy, and Lucy forces a neutral expression, which morphs into an adoring one when Alex smiles so beautifully at her.

"Hey," she says, dipping forward to kiss Alex, to let Alex taste herself on Lucy's lips.

Alex melts into the kiss. When they part, Lucy takes a moment to check the cuffs, making sure Alex's wrists aren't too red from pulling on them, making sure the muscles in her arms aren't sore from straining against them.

Satisfied, she presses feather light kisses to Alex's wrists, down her sloping arms. Her fingers still linger near Alex's twitching hips, alternating between gentle and more sensual touches as she begins to slowly work Alex up again.

Tonight is about Alex, making Alex feel loved and desired and wanted. It's about taking care of Alex. When Alex is in the cuffs she gives up control, but by Lucy checking in Lucy still gives Alex complete control. The cuffs are freeing for Alex, and Lucy wants to give her everything she needs to forget about the last few days.

She sucks at Alex's neck, teeth marking her and Alex shudders and groans.

"All good, babe?" she whispers into her ear, breath hot and teasing.

"Yes," Alex hisses.

"Good girl."

And Alex hisses again, stronger this time.

Lucy smiles, loving how easily Alex gets worked up beneath her, how willing and trusting Alex is. Her mouth descends, kissing along her chest and down between her breasts. She licks at the curve, at the swell of Alex's breasts, tasting the sweat coating her skin, and takes a nipple into her mouth again.

At the same time, she presses a leg between Alex's and she can feel how wet Alex is, smearing against Lucy's thigh.

"Fuck, fuck, Luce."

Lucy rears up, heart soaring with love as she looks down at Alex as she grinds her leg harder against Alex's centre. Alex looks spectacular, handcuffed and laid out beautifully beneath Lucy, panting and rutting into her thigh.

But then Lucy's chest starts to constrict. Because something feels wrong, having Alex so helpless beneath her like this. It makes Lucy's heart start to quicken painfully. This isn't new for them, this kind of play, but this time it doesn't sit well with Lucy. The discomfort is rising, is beginning to weigh down on her.

She frowns and shifts back, moving her leg away and opening her mouth to speak her uncertainties, but then Alex whimpers in response, tugging hard on the restraints, thinking Lucy is teasing her. "Please, Lucy, I need…"

Lucy doesn't feel quite right inside, but she doesn't want to deny Alex this.

She takes a second to re-centre herself, and then her voice is low and firm as she looks into Alex's eyes. "What do you need, babygirl?"

"I need… I need your hands."

She squeezes Alex's knees, parting Alex's legs further for her. "Beg for it."

Alex moans, "Please, Lucy, fuck, on my clit. I-I need you inside me, fuck, fuck, please."

Lucy groans and crashes her lips to Alex's roughly while her hand slips down. Her thumb finds Alex's clit and Alex bucks into her.

Her skin starts to crawl but she keeps going because Alex is begging her, is relishing the cuffs and moaning loudly, "Yes, Lucy. Inside, please. Please, don't stop."

As she slips one, and then two fingers into Alex, who is dripping and arching into her hand, Lucy realizes. Realizes that she is not okay.

Ghosts of hands and whispered words begin to rush over her, memories tugging harshly at her. The pain and discomfort from Washington, the drained and uneasy feelings that were not addressed, that were only pushed down and ignored while she was forced to the DEO the last three days, are surfacing.

The tension from before is suddenly back, building, building.

Her hand slips, ends up pressing deeper, and Alex moans louder.

"Colour?" Lucy asks, her own discomfort clashing with the heady, arousing sounds Alex is making as she climbs higher. She mouths at the base of Alex's throat.

"Green," Alex gasps out. "Colour?"

It's the first time tonight Alex has asked back, and it shouldn't mean anything, but it does. It's habit for them, to check in. But Alex asking her makes Lucy realize that she does not want to answer, to say yellow, to say red, and take this away from Alex.

She knows they have the colours for a reason, but she also knows Alex needs this. After the last few days, after how close Alex came to breaking, Lucy knows Alex needs to surrender complete control. And Maggie is gone, so Lucy is the only one who can give Alex what she needs to heal, what she deserves. Because Alex deserves everything.

Her voice is thick, hard and stiff as she lies. "Green."

Alex is too gone, too lost in her pleasure, to hear the lie. Lucy fights her own discomfort and fucks Alex harder, building a steady, climbing rhythm. She presses deep, fingers curling but keeping the heel of her hand off Alex's clit. She knows what Alex needs, but wants to draw the pleasure out for her for as long as she can.

It feels like only moments before Alex is asking again.

"Luce, colour?"

Lucy doesn't answer this time, she just presses her hand harder, deeper into Alex, and Alex's sighs rise in pitch. Lucy slides up, her mouth right next to Alex's ear. She forces her voice to be even, not to quiver. "You're so good for me, babygirl. You feel so perfect around my hand, so tight for my fingers." Alex groans and whines and whimpers, head thrashing back against the pillow. Her hips cant harder, chasing Lucy's hand.

She knows Alex is close, so she keeps talking, keeps distracting Alex, keeps distracting herself. "You're always so wet, Alex. Always so wet for me when you're tied up like this, when you can't do anything but feel as I fuck you, fuck you hard and fast like you need it. You like this, don't you, Al? Fuck, you feel so good, so tight and wet for me."

Lucy can't hear the tears in her voice.

"Lucy," Alex says, voice wavering.

"Tell me what you need, Al. You're so good, you're so close. Be a good girl for me, tell me what you want me to do."

"Lucy," Alex gasps out again. Her hips start to slow, start to draw back.

Lucy presses harder, curling her fingers the way she knows Alex needs her to. She bites down on Alex's shoulder.

Alex's body stiffens. But. It isn't right. Her hips thrash away and she whimpers as she tries to pull back, away from Lucy's hand. She's shaking her head.

"Red. Lucy. Lucy, red, red."

Lucy's entire body jerks with how suddenly she stops. She pulls her hand from between Alex's legs. Alex pants, chest heaving. Lucy hovers above her, keeping her body close but not putting her weight on Alex.

Alex is turning her head, trying to catch Lucy's eyes.

Lucy freezes. She squeezes her eyes shut, pressing her nose into Alex's neck.

She's shaking.

Lucy realizes she's shaking. Not just her hands but her entire body. Even her thoughts feel like they're shaking inside her.

She can't move. Alex's breathing slows and Lucy's starts to speed up, faster and faster and faster and she can hear the hitch in her own breath, can feel tears stinging her eyes.

Alex pulls once on the cuffs, hard. "Lucy." Her voice is small but sharp enough that it snaps Lucy into action.

Lucy's eyes fly open. She moves, trying to take the cuffs off. Her hands won't cooperate and tears swim in her vision. It takes her three tries to get them off.

Alex stays still beneath her the entire time, patient and waiting, and Lucy can feel her eyes on her, studying her.

She feels sick.

As soon as the cuffs are off Lucy pulls away, on her knees and shrinking in on herself at the end of the bed.

Alex sits up and tries to move closer. Lucy flinches and Alex freezes.

"Lucy, why did you say green?" Alex asks in a small voice.

Lucy can't look at her. She shakes her head and keeps her eyes closed.

"Did I… are you hurt?"

She chokes out wetly, "No."

Hearing the weakness in her own voice, Lucy bites down on her lip, trying to hold everything in.

Her breathing is still rapid, is still ragged.

She can feel the waves of concern, of fear, rolling off Alex. She can feel Alex starting to panic, to think she's done something wrong.

She hasn't. This is all Lucy.

It makes her feel small.

Alex's voice wavers but she still tries, "Lucy, you're safe, it's okay."

"No," she whimpers again.

"What happened? Lucy, why didn't you safeword?" Her voice breaks at the end and it makes Lucy feel worse.

She's shaking so much. She needs to stop shaking. She needs to keep Alex from worrying. Alex needs her right now.

But she can't move. She feels too overwhelmed, feels discomfort and tension and panic weighing her down.

Lucy curls in further on herself, pressing her forehead against her knees, arms wrapped tight around her stomach.

"Lucy," Alex calls, and Lucy can hear the tears in Alex's voice.

This isn't fair to Alex, she shouldn't be jarring Alex like this. Lucy shouldn't be pulling her so violently from her headspace, from topping her like that.

"Lucy, I'm going to touch you now okay? Is… is that okay?" Alex sounds so unsure, and Lucy knows Alex is doubting herself, is convinced this is her fault.

Lucy whines.

Her eyes are closed so tight that there are coloured spots appearing behind her eyelids.

She feels the bed shifting, the blankets rustling, as Alex slowly, slowly eases closer. There's a long moment where Lucy waits, knowing what's coming, and then Alex's hand is easing onto her back.

Alex's touch is so soft, is so gentle.

"I'm right here, Lucy. You're okay."

But with the contact, it's like a gun goes off inside Lucy's head as everything becomes too much for her to process.

She jumps, tumbling backwards and landing on her back on the floor.

For a moment, as her body jars when it hits the ground, Lucy is back in Washington. Back years ago. At the Congress party and the room is spinning and his breath is heavy with alcohol and his hands are on her.

Alex's voice is small and far away. "Lucy?"

Lucy blinks and tries to focus.

Alex's eyes. This is the first time she's seeing Alex's eyes and they wet with tears. Her eyes are so, so wide with panic, with alarm, with pain, with fear.

Not just fear that she's hurt Lucy.

Fear that she's not good enough.

This isn't right. It isn't right.

Alex is dropping and it isn't fair, Lucy's hurting her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Lucy croaks out. She finds her shirt and tugs it over her head, crawling backwards away from the bed. Her arms wrap around her middle again, trying to contain everything, trying to stop her body from betraying her.

She should be stronger than this. She was doing fine, she was pushing through it.

Alex is crying. She's on her knees and gripping the sheets tightly as tears slide down her cheeks. She watches Lucy get up to stand on shaky legs and Lucy can see the uncertainty in her eyes.

Her mind feels foggy and clouded and there's a rushing in her ears as everything from the past few days begins to catch up to her, crashing into her in a way she can't process. Her muscles tense as the discomfort and guilt begins to weigh her down. Her heart feels like it's beating too fast inside her chest. Her body feels too warm and her mind feels like it's moving too fast.

But Alex first. Alex first. Lucy tries desperately to shove everything she's feeling to the side, to focus on Alex. Alex needs her.

She stumbles back towards the bed, grabbing one of the bottles of gatorade and coaxing it into Alex's hands. Lucy wants to comfort her, to say something to help her, to ease her fear, but she's at a loss for words. It's like everything gets stuck in her throat and all she can focus on is Alex's tears and her own guilt and pain climb higher.

Alex passes the bottle back into Lucy as she reaches with her other hand to touch Lucy's shoulder, to try and ground herself.

But Lucy flinches away because the rushing in her ears becomes a roaring and everything becomes too much. The gatorade falls out of her shaking hands and spills onto the floor. She stares at it as the puddle grows larger, spreading out by her feet. She stars at it and her mind feeling like it's skipping, like part of her can't look away and part of her is registering that Alex is still crying, is whimpering and shrinking down from Lucy flinching away a second time.

Her entire body feels weak. Still shaking. Her mind is shaking. Her vision is shaking. Her heart is shaking.

She was supposed to be here for Alex. Alex needed this from her tonight, needed desperately to only feel, to give up control, to push all the pain of the last three days out.

She needed Lucy's low commands, Lucy's control, and the restraints. Alex needed to offer that trust. To not always be the strong and perfect agent who can take life with her bare hands.

Lucy registers the tears sliding down her own cheeks and backs away from the bed and Alex cries harder, breath gasping as her panic begins to take over. She calls out to Lucy, trying again to lead them out of this because it's apparent Lucy cannot, but Lucy hardly hears, she's too consumed with painful memories and rising guilt.

For Alex, giving up control brings relief, brings release. It's her assurance that Lucy and Maggie love her, that she's strong enough, that she's good enough, even after a night like last night.

And Lucy's broken this. She can see the fear and self-doubt sky-rocketing on Alex's face each moment Lucy won't let Alex go to her.

Alex needs contact, needs reassurance.

Lucy needs space and needs to find the strength to stop shaking.

Alex is talking to her, hiccupping as she pleads with her, but Lucy can hardly hear the words. They rush right over her in a crushing, drowning wave.

Lucy backs away further. She can't help Alex like this. She aches to help Alex but she can't unless she gets herself under control first; if she tries to help Alex like this Lucy will only make things worse. But to get herself under control Lucy needs space and she knows she can't leave Alex like this, because leaving Alex will also result in making things worse.

Her mind can't focus on what she needs to do first. It feels like she's underwater, like everything is pressing down on her, pushing the air from her lungs.

One hand grabs her phone and the other clings to the wall, holding herself up as she staggers from the room.

She can hear Alex crying but Lucy can't go to her. She _can't._ There's too much going on inside her head.

She tries to focus, tries to wade through everything swirling inside her, that is trying to drag her down, and latches onto the only thing she can think of to help Alex right now.

Her vision is blurry with tears but she manages a few quick swipes. "Alex needs you," Lucy says into the phone.

She turns around and Alex stands at the bedroom door. She's pulled on her shirt and the NCPD sweats Lucy was wearing earlier. Now Alex is shaking too as she continues to cry. She looks so hesitant, so afraid to approach Lucy and it makes Lucy feel worse inside, knowing she's caused this.

"Lucy, please. Don't. Please, just, tell me what I can do. Tell me what I did wrong."

Lucy opens her mouth, but too many things compete to get out, to try and explain, and all she can manage is a desperate keening noise.

It's hardly been a minute, but Kara swoops through the open window and the gust of wind she brings with her is so strong it feels like the entire room shudders in her wake. She's not in her suit.

"Alex?"

Alex startles, her voice wet as she says, "Kara?"

Kara is turning towards Lucy as she speaks. "Lucy said- whoa." Kara looks sharply away.

Lucy takes a further step back, away from them both now, and tugs down hard on the oversized shirt so it slips off one shoulder and covers more of her thighs.

"Lucy," Kara's voice is alarmed, but it's her strong, assured voice. It's her Supergirl voice. "What's going on?"

"I need you to hug her," she tells Kara brokenly.

Kara's face clouds as she glances at Alex and then back at Lucy.

"Please. Please, I need you to, I need you to hold her, while I–" She can't finish. She doesn't know how to finish.

Alex is beginning to shatter. "Lucy, no, please. Please, don't. I'm sorry. I can be better."

Lucy can see it plain as day on Alex's face. Alex thinks she is leaving, is ending this, is walking out. Because no matter how much love she's shown, those uncontrollable fears always lurk in Alex, her fears of Maggie and Lucy leaving her. And after what's just transpired, after building the trust and control and then Lucy suddenly, violently ruining it, of course, that's where Alex's panicked mind goes, to think Lucy means she is leaving.

Which is not what Lucy is doing. She just needs space to get herself under control. And Alex needs the opposite of space; she needs reassurance, needs contact, needs trust.

And Lucy _can't_ but Kara can.

"Alex, no. No. I'm not leaving, I just–  Kara, _please."_

With the shrill of her voice, Kara moves immediately and pulls her crumbling, breaking sister into her arms.

This is such a mess.

Lucy's done this. She's caused Alex to break.

This is all on her.

Because she thought she was strong enough. And wasn't.

She feels her body cracking with the weight of this truth.

Kara cradles Alex close, holds her, rocks her. And Alex may not realize she's doing it, but her entire body sinks into Kara, melts into her. Lucy can see the relief wash over, can see how the physical contact immediately eases some of Alex's pain, some of her doubts.

Kara's eyes find Lucy's over Alex's head. And Lucy can see the concern, but also the apprehension. Lucy is hurting too, and Kara wants to help, but her sister is her priority, and it is clear to Kara that Lucy is at the centre of Alex's pain.

Lucy gestures to the couch. Kara nods and carries Alex with her. She sits down and Alex curls into her, clutching at her with raw, desperate need.

Walking in a fog Lucy moves to the bedroom. She steps around the spill and sits on the bed for a moment. She takes a few deep breathes, trying to calm her racing heart, trying to steady herself. Everything still feels too fast and too much to process.

She can hear Alex crying in the other room, can hear Kara's soft murmurs of reassurance. Lucy focuses on that, on Kara's voice, and simply breathes in and out a few times. She presses a hand against her face, physically trying to force everything down. She just needs to reach a point where she is okay enough to help Alex, to comfort Alex, and then Lucy can focus on herself.

She wipes the tears away - they keep coming anyway, though. Seeing her hands shake brings a fresh wave of tears.

Her breath stops gasping after a few minutes on her own. She's still crying, she still feels heavy with guilt and shame for what's happened, what she's done to Alex, but Lucy feels a little more grounded now.

Caring for Alex will help ground her further, though, so eventually Lucy gets back up.

Lucy pulls on some underwear and drags the comforter off the bed and out of the room. She moves around to the front of the couch, carefully draping the blanket over the sisters before sitting on the coffee table.

Kara's eyes watch her. Not accusatory. Just unsure.

Her eyes flick up and down, registering that Lucy isn't sitting with them on the couch, and Lucy gives a small shake of her head. Lucy knows Alex needs contact and reassurance, but Lucy also needs space right now. She doesn't feel right enough to give Alex the physical comfort she needs, so Kara will have to be enough for now.

There are still tears sliding down her cheeks; she's still shaking and her body is starting to ache from it.

Alex gives a sad whimper and snuggles closer into Kara's arms, watching Lucy with sad eyes and Lucy's heart breaks.

Lucy still feels off, still feels too many emotions all at once, but she wants to give Alex something. She reaches forward, squeezing Alex's knee through the blanket. "Alex, honey." Lucy's voice is raw and cracks noticeably.

Through the blanket is the most Lucy can manage right now. But she's doing it for Alex. Alex needs this.

Alex lifts her head from where she's curled under Kara's chin. Her cheeks and eyelashes are damp. Kara has her wrapped tightly in her hold, skin touching skin.

"Alex, I love you." She squeezes Alex's knee a second time, hard, so Alex hears her, so Alex understands, so Alex trusts her words. "I love you. You didn't do anything wrong. You were so good, so perfect for me, I promise. You didn't hurt me. This isn't because of you. I love you. I love you so much, Alex."

"I love you," Alex croaks out. Kara hugs her again, nuzzling her nose into Alex's hair.

"Alex, honey, babygirl. I know you're hurting. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you like that. I need you to let Kara hold you, okay? I need you to let Kara hug you while I take care of you, okay?"

Alex nods as if she weren't already wrapped in her sister's arms.

Lucy's entire being protests - she just wants to collapse - but she fights it and stands, leaning over and kissing Alex's forehead.

She puts some distance between herself and the sisters. She doesn't panic like this often, it hasn't happened in a long time, not since the aftermath of Myriad. But Lucy knows what she needs, knows how to calm herself.

She moves to the kitchen and puts the kettle on. She stands at the stove, breathing and counting and breathing and counting. She gets her lungs back into her own command while she waits for the water to boil.

She moves the kettle off the burner before the whistle reaches its peak, mindful of Kara's ears despite her haze.

Lucy holds her hands over the kettle, feeling the heat radiating outwards into her palms. She holds her hands in the air, focusing on the heat, on the warm feeling it brings her until her hands steady. Until they stop shaking. She flexes and curls her fingers a few times. Just focuses on seeing her hands move with her own choice.

When she's satisfied that her breathing and the shaking are under control, are under _her_ control, she makes three mugs of tea.

She breathes deeply as she stirs the mugs with slow, steady motions. Lucy watches the water swirl, focuses on the tinks of the spoon against the walls of the mug, and feels her eyes clearing. Feels the pressure, the tears, leaving.

Calm and steady and on her own. Because in the past, Lucy never let the panic rise until she was on her own. Lucy learned to calm her panic on her own.

Kara watches her with confused, sad eyes as Lucy brings the three mugs over and sets two of them within arms reach for both of the sisters.

She leaves and comes back with the ice cream and two spoons.

"Do you need actual food, too?" she asks Kara quietly. Because Kara is still recovering from the last few days. And Lucy needs the aftercare to centre herself.

"No. No, I'm okay right now. But, thank you."

Kara readjusts herself and Alex on the couch so that Alex is still partially in her arms and they are both still wrapped in the blanket, but they can balance the ice cream between them and each hold a steaming mug.

Lucy watches, her eyes detailing them both, looking for anything more she can do to care for them. For Alex, but also for Kara, who showed up without question in the middle of the night, when she'd only just regained her powers hours earlier.

Only when she's satisfied that both women are okay – or that Alex is at least as okay as can be expected, but is not getting worse – does Lucy sit back down on the coffee table. She still feels her skin crawling from memories, still needs space, but she wants to be close enough to reach out and touch Alex if Alex needs her to, wants to be able to see right into her eyes.

"Lucy?" Alex asks. Her question hangs unfinished, but Lucy still knows what she's asking.

_Lucy, what happened? Lucy, are you okay? Lucy, what's going on?_

"Hold on, Ally."

She picks up her phone and video chats Maggie.

If it's the middle of the night for them then it's the dead of night for Maggie on the other side of the country.

It takes almost five rings, but Maggie answers. Maggie is a police officer, is a detective. Maggie's girlfriends work at the DEO. Maggie knows to answer her phone, even in the middle of the night.

_"Lucy?"_ Yawning and rustling of sheets.

"H-hey, babe." Without her permission, Lucy's voice wavers, and she can see Maggie blink and focus harder, that Maggie's heard it.

"I'm here with Alex, and, and with Kara," Lucy goes on before Maggie can speak. She turns the phone away from herself, pointing the camera at the sisters bundled on the couch. Because she doesn't want Maggie to see her like this. And because she wants all of their collective attention on calming and reassuring Alex. "I know it's late. I'm sorry."

_"What's going on? Did something happen?"_

"Everything's okay, now," Lucy assures. "But Alex needs to hear your voice right now. We both do. I know it's late, but can you just, talk with us for a little while? Tell Alex how wonderful she is?"

Maggie understands the specific request, understands that for whatever reason, Alex needs validation, needs assurances. So Maggie does exactly as Lucy asks, does exactly what Lucy knew she would. She talks to them, tells them about the conference, about the training, and interspersed, she tells Alex everything she needs to hear to help calm her panic after Lucy's jarring reaction in bed.

With Kara's touch, Maggie's words, and Lucy's care and presence, the tension, the fear and self-doubt, drains from Alex's features. Her melting into Kara's hold becomes less desperate, more at ease.

With Maggie's words, Alex's calm, and Kara's watchful eye, Lucy feels herself relax as well. She isn't okay, not really, but the weakness, the memories, eases back into something more manageable. She at least has control of herself again.

_"Feeling better now, babygirl?"_

Alex stabs at the ice cream. "Yeah. I mean, I don't understand what happened. But yeah. Better. I love you."

_"I love you, too,"_ Maggie says without pause. And then, _"What do you mean, you don't understand what happened?"_

"Lucy lied, and then I, I panicked." She sounds sheepish, but she looks at Lucy with wide, unsure eyes.

"We both panicked," Lucy adds softly, wanting Alex to understand she wasn't the only one who lost control and spiralled.

There's a long pause before Maggie says, _"Luce?"_

Lucy does not turn the phone around.

Alex goes on, "She went red, I could feel it, but she didn't say anything. She lied, she said she was green. She kept going. So I… I had to safeword. For her."

Kara looks up at the ceiling, the most privacy she can offer them with Alex wrapped in her arms. She doesn't say anything, just looks up, cheeks pinking slightly.

_"Lucy?"_ With one word, Maggie asks so much.

Lucy sighs. She keeps her eyes on Alex, keeps the phone facing Alex, as she speaks. "I wasn't – I'm not – over Washington yet. It was… It brought back some things. And then everything with the DEO happened and Alex, Alex needed me, needed us, needed to be topped, hard. She needed the cuffs."

Kara scans out the window, counting something softly to herself. It is clear that she's focusing on something very, very far away from the room she's in, from the conversation happening around her. But she still hugs Alex close, still gives Alex the physical contact she needs.

"You weren't here, Mags," Lucy says, forcing her voice to stay even. "I tried to give her what she needed, what she deserves. I thought I was okay, I tried to push through it. Alex trusted me to help her heal, to help her give up control, to just be and let everything from the last few days wash away. And then I just… wasn't okay."

"But you lied to me," Alex says in a small but angry voice. "That's why we have the colours."

"I lied to _me_ , Al. I knew how much you needed it, I wanted to give you that, to show you how much I love you. I told myself I was okay, and I wasn't. I'm sorry." Lucy reaches forward and holds Alex's hand. "I'm sorry I scared you, that I hurt you."

Maggie lets out a long sigh. A sigh that says she wants to discuss this further, that they need to discuss this further, but that it's late and she doesn't want to subject Kara to more of this conversation she's already been forced to listen to.

"We should let you go, Mags," Alex says.

_"Are you sure you're okay, babe? Both of you?"_

"Yes. Kara's here. I'm okay. You can't see, but Lucy's nodding. We're okay."

_"Okay. I love you both."_

"I love you too, Maggie."

"Love you, Mags."

_"And you, Kara. I love you, too. Thank you."_

Kara brings herself back to the room. She smiles at Maggie through the phone. "Of course. Always. Be safe, Maggie. I'll look after them both for you, I promise. I love you, too."

The call ends and Lucy sets her phone down.

Alex looks sleepy and drained. Lucy feels the same. She scoots forward, kneeling in front of the couch and laying her hands on Alex's knees. "Are you and I okay?"

Alex nods tiredly at her, movements slow. She's tense, but she's exhausted. "We'll talk in the morning? About Washington?"

Lucy lets out a breath and closes her eyes for a minute. "Yeah. In the morning."

"Then we're okay, for right now."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

Lucy kisses Alex softly.

When they pull apart, Alex looks sheepishly at Kara. "Can you, uh, I don't feel like I can walk right now."

"Of course, Alex." Kara smiles at Lucy, and then scoops Alex up and carries her to the bedroom.

Lucy remembers she didn't clean up the gatorade spill.

Or put the cuffs away.

Kara comes back to Lucy a few minutes later. She's changed into some sleep clothes Alex has given her. "Are you going to come to bed? Alex said you might still want some space." She looks at Lucy sadly, like all she wants to do is gather her in her arms.

"Yeah, I… I'm okay. I just need to be alone. You know," She nods to the couch. "You're staying, right?"

Kara nods. "Yeah. Are you sure? I'm sure there's room for all three of us on the bed. I mean. I mean, I know there's room for the three of you on the bed, so there must be room for the three of us."

Lucy laughs quietly at her. "I'm good. Go be with Alex. You guys can cuddle, have a sister night. I know she needs that right now."

"Thank you, for calling me."

"Thank you, for coming. I know it's late. You must be exhausted."

"Really, Lucy. Thank you, for calling me. Thank you, for looking out for her, even when you could hardly keep yourself together." Kara reaches a hand forward, and when Lucy nods, she squeezes Lucy's arm. "Sleep well, Lucy. I'll be right there if you need me."

* * *

Lucy wakes late in the morning. She's on the couch, under a blanket she doesn't remember grabbing and in pyjama pants she doesn't remember putting on.

She stretches and rolls over. Her entire body feels drained.

A different drained than Washington. Washington makes her feel drained from carrying so much tension, so much anger. Right now, she feels the exhaustion of crying so much the night before.

She hears puttering in the kitchen and sits up.

"M-Maggie?"

Maggie looks up from the breakfast she's preparing and smiles. "Hey, gorgeous."

Lucy walks over to her in a daze. "What… what are you doing here? How are you here?"

"I took a redeye home."

"What?"

"Pretty much as soon as I hung up."

Lucy blinks a few times. "Why?"

Maggie's face hardens in the way that means Lucy is being thick. "Because my girls needed me."

"But the–"

"It's fine. I said it was an emergency. I can go again another time."

"But it–"

"To me, that sounded like an emergency, Lucy. You both sounded like you were close to breaking. Of course, I came home."

"No, no you didn't need to. Maggie, you overreacted. We're fine." Lucy knows that's a stretch, telling Maggie she overreacted, considering how Lucy herself spiralled so hard and fast last night. But she feels guilty.

"Babe, after the week you two were having, it was hard enough not to come home and see for myself that you were both okay. After I heard about Kara blowing her powers and what happened with Alex afterwards, I knew Alex must have been close to self-destructing.  I wanted to come home, but I trusted you when you said it wasn't that bad yet.

"But last night? Lucy, that scared me. I know you waited until you were calm - until you both calmed down before you called me. That you didn't let me see how bad it was. But I can imagine. I know you. I know it must have been really bad, for you two to have called Kara when she was still recovering. Lucy, you scared me. I love you and you scared me, you both did. Of course, I came home."

Lucy feels a few tears well. She doesn't want to cry. She's cried so much last night.

"Are you okay for a hug?"

"Yes," Lucy says right away. "Hugs are good."

Maggie lets Lucy fall into her arms. She kisses her lips, her cheek, her temple, her hair.

"It's stupid," Lucy mumbles. "You blew the training because I freaked out during sex."

Maggie pulls back and looks into Lucy's eyes. "No, I blew the training because you and Alex both fell into a panic, and Alex probably started feeding off of you and it made things worse. I know that you can be a little self-sacrificing and despondent and that if Alex catapults into self-doubt it's hard to bring her back because she gets too deep, she gets so lost. The two of you like that can be dangerous together. I didn't trust that you were okay, that you weren't just putting on a brave face for me over the phone. It doesn't matter what triggered it. It was an emergency, so I came home. You, your health, your safety, is more important to me than work-issued training and a plane ticket."

Lucy hides her face in Maggie's shoulder. "I've never had to safeword before." Her voice is small. "I've always been okay."

"And last night you were okay until you weren't and that's why we have the colours." She rubs Lucy's back. "You should have called me."

"I, Maggie, I did call you."

"Earlier. When you knew you weren't okay mentally for the kind of play Alex needed." She eases Lucy out from where she hides in Maggie's neck and cups Lucy's cheek. "You should have called me, Lucy."

Lucy tries for teasing, but it doesn't come out the way she wants. She just sounds flat. "And what would you have done, exactly?"

"Just because I'm not in the same room doesn't mean I can't top that girl if she needs it, Lucy. I would have… talked her through it. She wouldn't have had the cuffs, but it would have been enough until you were ready, or until I got home."

"Oh," Lucy says quietly. "I didn't… I didn't think of that."

"Clearly." Maggie kisses her again and then says, "You want to talk about DC?"

Lucy shifts out of Maggie's arms. She leans against the counter, and then hops up, sitting near while Maggie resumes cooking. "When Alex is up," she answers hesitantly.

"Speaking of, when do you think Kara's nose is going to wake her up?"

"I'd say by the second batch."

Sure enough, by the time Maggie is pouring pancake batter into the pan for the second time Kara is standing in the bedroom doorway, blinking and squinting at them.

"Maggie?" Her face is full of sleepy confusion. "Did I fly you here last night?"

"No, Little Danvers, a regular, old airplane did."

"Right." She takes a step towards them. "I smell food."

Maggie laughs. "You would be correct."

Kara bounds into the kitchen excitedly. Quicker than Maggie can stop her, Kara's scooped a finger into a bowl of pancake batter. Then she's plopping herself into a chair and sticking her finger in her mouth, sighing contentedly.

Lucy notices Alex approaching the kitchen. Her face is drawn, unsure.

From where she sits on the countertop Lucy opens her arms, and then Alex is there, stepping between her legs, hugging Lucy tightly as Lucy presses her face into Alex's shoulder.

Lucy feels from the strength of her hug how much Alex loves her, that they still need to talk about what happened last night, but that they are okay, that Alex forgives her for losing control. From Lucy, Alex feels her reassurance that Lucy is still there, that she hasn't left her, not because she thinks Lucy is likely to leave, but because Alex will always think she deserves it if it does happen.

This is the contact Lucy couldn't give Alex last night when everything was just too much for her. So she wants to make sure she gives it now, wants to push away the last of Alex's doubts and fears.

They stay like that for a long moment while Maggie moves around them in the kitchen, knowing they both need this.

Maggie finishes the pancakes. Kara hums happily along with the radio and steals the bacon off the table as soon as Maggie sets it down.

When they part, Maggie tugs on Alex's arm, pulling her away from Lucy and into her own arms, pressing her lips to Alex's.

"What are you doing home? I thought–"

"My girls needed me," Maggie says, not leaving room for further argument. "All three of them." She glances at Kara, who blushes and stutters out a few strangled sounds.

"Aw, Maggie, no, I…"

"Nonsense, kiddo. You're part of this family, too," Maggie says, moving and giving Kara a one armed hug as she starts setting out plates. Lucy and Alex sit down across from Kara, their sides pressed together, and Maggie serves up breakfast.

Coffee, orange juice, and plain pancakes for Lucy, with jam instead of syrup. Coffee and blueberry pancakes for Alex, with a chocolate chip pancake snuck in between. A milkshake is retrieved from the fridge for Kara, something Maggie must have picked up on her way home – Kara squeals in delight – along with an actual mountain of chocolate chip pancakes for the superhero.

"I know you were in the sun lamps and that you've got your powers back, but I figured you'd be starting to feel a little ravenous by now, so I made you way more than was probably necessary."

"Maggie, you're the best," Kara says with food in her mouth.

They all sit in a happy silence, radio playing and cutlery scraping across plates. The late morning sun shines brightly through the open windows, lighting up and warming the apartment.

When everyone who isn't an alien has finished eating, Alex speaks up.

"Lucy, are you – if you want to – are you okay to talk about what happened in Washington?"

Lucy fiddles with her fork, but she leans into Alex's side and nods.

Kara stills at the other side of the table. She watches Lucy carefully. "Did you want me to leave?"

Lucy considers, but decides that no, she trusts Kara, she loves Kara. Kara is her friend, and Kara is as much a sister to her as to anyone else at the table.

Kara may have come last night because Lucy made it sound like Alex was in danger, but Kara didn't just stay for her sister, she stayed for Lucy, too. She made sure neither of the two women spiralled too far into their pain last night.

"No, you're good."

Kara smiles like she cherishes Lucy's answer. Like she understands the weight of Lucy's trust, the significance that Lucy is comfortable opening up about something so painful with Kara there. The rest of the food on Kara's plate is ignored.

"DC this time was… it was how it usually is. A lot of biting my tongue, of trying to hold in my anger at these old, rich, white men who have so much power they don't appreciate, don't understand. But," she's stalling, so she tries to get to the point. "there was an event, a cocktail I had to go to. And one of the Congressmen had too much to drink; he was following me and trying to get handsy."

Maggie stiffens and Alex grinds her fork into her plate.

"It's fine, nothing… nothing happened. But it," she struggles with her words, sorting out what she wants to say. "It brought back memories, of when something similar happened and I didn't–"

Lucy pauses for a moment. Takes a deep breath. Takes a sip of her juice. She looks at her plate as she speaks.

"It was before you guys, before National City. After my deployment – fresh, _fresh_ after my deployment, when I was back stateside. I was in Washington. There was an event and my father wanted me there. He said–"

She's aware of three pairs of eyes on her. She focuses on the hand Alex lays on top of her own, squeezing encouragingly.

"There was this man, Congress staff, and he, he drank a lot. He was being loud and rude to all the women there. He cornered me on the way to the ladies. He was this large, tall man, and I'm…"

"Small," Alex supplies when Lucy falters.

Lucy nods, sucks in a shaky breath, and then dives. She focuses on Alex's hand, lets it ground her, tether her as she lets the memories rush over.

"All I could smell was the alcohol on him. He had me against the wall and had his hands on me and I just, I froze. I could have had him on the ground in an instant. But I couldn't move. His hands were groping me and he smelled foul and I was shaking but I couldn't, I couldn't push him off, I couldn't move. I should have moved, should have broken his arm, but I just felt weak, I felt trapped."

She feels the tension in the room, feels the shift immediately, from their concern for her to their anger towards this stranger. "Lucy," Maggie starts harshly, with dark worry, but Lucy shakes her head.

"Nothing happened. He didn't… some people came around the corner, people I knew. They rescued me, dragged him off me. He started drunkenly shouting."

She shakes her head at herself. "I just felt so powerless. I shouldn't have been. I could have gotten him off of me, could have gotten away. Easily. But I just froze. If those people hadn't come…"

Lucy looks up. She sees the steely tension in Kara's face, in the way she sits rod straight in her chair. Her hands are clenched on the table, not daring to hold anything because it's clear she will break something if she does.

Maggie's face flutters. It fluctuates between rage and worry. Her alarm and pain at Lucy's words are real. Her face, her entire being, is drawn in anger, but her eyes are liquid worry. Her eyes shine with concern.

Lucy looks up and meets Alex's eyes and sees anguish, sees heartbreak. Lucy has more to say, and it stings inside because she knows it will hurt Alex. "The party this time in DC… it brought all this back to the surface. And then with you last night, I, I felt sick, taking control of you like that, making you powerless under me."

"Lucy, I–"

"I know, I know," she rushes out, threading her fingers with Alex's and squeezing her hand. "You trust me, it's safe. It's about you having control by giving up control. I know, Al. I know. But my head just, wasn't in it, wasn't right. I wanted to be what you needed. I put your needs above my own mental state and I probably shouldn't have done that but I love you, I love you so much that I wanted to be what you needed. You were hurting and I thought I could do it. I could see all of your pain and I wanted to ease it. I wanted to take care of you."

She isn't shaking. And she isn't crying, not exactly, but there are a few tears sliding down her cheeks.

There's a long, painful moment where no one speaks.

Kara is the first to say something, to break the silence. "Lucy, that isn't healthy."

Lucy knows Kara isn't talking about Washington.

"The way you work so hard, to take care of Alex and Maggie. Lucy, that isn't healthy, to push yourself like that. To put your own needs so low down on the list."

Alex shifts in her chair, switching the hand that is clasped with Lucy's so she can start rubbing up and down, up and down, along Lucy's thigh. Soothing and calming and grounding. Lucy doesn't feel the panic rising this time, but Alex's touch still helps anyway.

Or it's Alex's touch that helps to keep the panic back. She isn't sure.

"Lucy," Maggie says, and when Lucy looks up, there is so much written on Maggie's face.

"I know," she sighs.

Maggie nods but still says the words anyway. "This relationship is about trust and communication, Luce. I know that you take care of us, that you do so many small things because taking care of people is who you are. But you can't ignore yourself. That's why we have the colours; so that if you don't feel right you can slow down, or you can stop, and there's no judgement from us."

Lucy bites her lip and nods. She knows all of this, of course, she does. But last night, in the moment, it was hard to feel anything but guilt for considering stopping when it was clear what Alex needed to heal. In the moment, it felt like failure; and Lucy never likes to admit failure. With the roles they take, it was hard to feel anything but shame for needing to be the one to stop. With the roles they take, it was hard to remember that the safewords aren't just there for Alex.

In the fog of both arousal and self-doubt, it was hard to remember that she wouldn't be letting Alex down by needing to stop, but by choosing not to when she should have.

Kara gets up from the table and starts clearing their dishes. The first one she touches cracks and she hisses through her teeth, still angry at this nameless man. But she forces her touch to gentle and she starts moving around them, not disturbing them, and starts putting things away.

Kara's face isn't red with embarrassment and Lucy appreciates that although this may not be something she wants to hear, her sister and her girlfriends talking about their sex life, she still stays in the room, moving along the periphery.

"If I had been home would you have safeworded?" Maggie asks.

Lucy hesitates, but, "Yes," she breathes out.

Alex's hand jerks to a stop for a moment, and, in that moment, Lucy feels both her own guilt and Alex's pain swell.

But then Alex goes back to rubbing her leg and Lucy feels like she can breathe again.

"You understand why we're upset? You understand the problem with that?" Maggie goes on, gently but sternly.

Lucy nods her head and feels the shame pinch behind her eyes. She tries to explain, "If you had been here I would have sat out. Alex was hurting and you would have been able to help with that, to give her what she needed to heal after everything that happened."

"Alex is a big girl," Alex says gruffly, but her hands stay soothing. "And just because I needed you that way doesn't mean there aren't other ways to deal with pain, Lucy. Maggie has her heavy-bag. I could have just punched at that for a while."

"Punched it without wraps, so hard your knuckles split open, and then kept going anyway?" Lucy says it like a challenge, but there's no force behind her words, only defeat. "Because you and Maggie both do that, and have both admitted it isn't healthy, how hard you go sometimes when it's either punch something or drink."

"She could have sparred with me," Kara offers, back to them, washing the mixing bowls in the sink.

"Lucy," Alex tries, and her voice is still tense but her eyes are warm and soft. "It doesn't make me feel good, knowing you went red and kept going anyway for me. That… I don't feel right about that. I don't feel comfortable with that. I know you just want to make sure we're both looked after, that we know we're loved, but Maggie and I don't want you to put us above you like that. We never want that. I never want that."

"I thought I would be okay. I thought I could push through it."

"But you reached a point where you knew you should have safeworded and didn't," Maggie says. She gets up and drags her chair around the table so she's sitting on Lucy's other side. She lays one hand on top of Alex's, which is still resting on Lucy's, and slings her other arm over the back of Lucy's chair. Lucy is surrounded by comfort. "We aren't mad at you, baby. I'm not mad. Alex isn't mad."

"I'm not mad," Alex assures immediately.

"We just want to make sure you understand that we don't want you putting us so high above yourself. You need to care for yourself, too. All the wonderful things you do for Alex and me, like cooking for us, like making sure we have our favourite comfort clothes and comfort food, like giving Alex head rubs when she has a headache but she won't say anything about it, or making sure there's food hidden at my desk at work when you know I have a long week coming up? You need to do those sorts of things for yourself, too, babe. And that includes saying stop when you need to."

"I'm sorry," Lucy says helplessly.

"We know," Alex says, and Lucy ends up in the middle of a three-way hug.

"No more, okay?" Maggie confirms. "Just because the night starts with sex, don't mean it has to end with it. Just because Alex or I need to get off doesn't mean we don't want to hear when something is bothering you. It doesn't mean orgasms come first. Words always come first, Luce."

"Hugs come first?" Lucy asks, and it's such a stupid thing to say, but it breaks the tension. She and Maggie and Alex all laugh, and then her girls hug her tight and kiss her gently and she feels safe and loved.

Kara shoos them to the couch, because the awkward, twisting hug happening at the kitchen table, "does not look terribly comfortable, you guys."

Once they've settled, Alex looks out the window and says, "What time is it?" She's staring at the sun, which is quite high in the sky.

"Almost ten," Maggie answers.

Alex turns and looks over the top of the couch at Kara. "Why haven't we been called into work? It's so late. Everyone's gonna–"

"Oh, no," Kara jumps in. "I talked to J'onn last night. You're not allowed at the DEO right now."

"What?"

"You're banned for twenty-four hours." She looks at Lucy, "J'onn said you are not to come in, and he trusted he didn't need to make that an order, that you would simply agree. But you, specifically," she looks at her sister, "were banned. J'onn's orders."

"What?" Alex says again.

"I mean, this was before," she waves her hands at them, "everything last night. This was just because of the last few days, and knowing you needed some space. But after last night," she smiles sadly, "after this morning. For sure. Twenty-four hours. You both get an entire day off." She looks pointedly at Maggie.

"Got it. No work for these two."

"Good. Now, I know there's more ice cream – because you guys always have ice cream. I think you should pull out my list of feel good movies and cuddle all day. And I am going to go to work, because in addition to stopping rogue aliens, I have a second, just as important job where I fight crime with words, not just with fists, unlike you three."

Kara takes her leave, and the three women are left coiled together on the couch.

"So, movies?" Maggie asks.

"Movies," Lucy agrees. She feels exhausted, but with Alex and Maggie on either side of her, it feels like the tension, the pain, the poison of the last few days is finally beginning to drain.

Alex detangles herself for a moment to find her phone, which is still on the table by the door where she dropped it when she came in the night before. "Kara saved a note on my phone with her list. Hang on. Oh, wow."

"What?"

Alex swipes through her phone. "She's got it organized into reasons for needing to feel good."

"This is Kara," Maggie says, "So, of course, she does."

"Post-breakup feel good movies, we survived almost dying feel good movies, home sick feel good movies, I almost got fired feel good movies, they're out of pot-stickers feel good movies; she's really thorough."

"Mental health day," Maggie declares, hugging Lucy closer. "Let's go with home sick feel good movies."

As Alex plops back down on Lucy's free side Lucy looks at her and asks, "We're okay?"

"We're okay, Lucy. I'm still a little upset, but I get why you did it."

"Because I care about you, Alex."

"We know you do, baby," Maggie assures. "You just remember to care about yourself, too. Okay? Alright, what's first on Kara's list?"


End file.
